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I feel like crap.
Jul. 20th, 2004 12:51 pmPlease, would someone just say something to me?
Start some kind of conversation?
Anything?
Start some kind of conversation?
Anything?
Jul. 20th, 2004
I've been thinking a lot. There are some things I need to get out, and I'm going to try and be honest with myself for a minute.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm doing things wrong. That my life and what I'm making of it is wrong in some way. I've never really wanted for myself the kinds of things other people want. I don't like the idea that I may have a "normal" life. And lately I've been made to feel like I'm in some way wrong to not want the things that I'm supposed to want. I don't necessarily want to get married or have children. I don't want to spend the rest of my life supporting a family. I want more from my life than that. I can't see myself being happy in that setting, ever. I can only see it as stifling, being tied down to people who depend on me for everything. It frightens me, yes, to give up my individuality for the sake of a husband and children.
That's a bit dramatic, I wouldn't have to give up my entire existence for a family, but I would have to make sacrifices that I'm not sure I'll be willing to make. I can see myself resenting the people who are supposed to make me happy because I had to give up what I wanted from life.
Other women can make the choice to have a family, and that's fine. But I don't think it's for me. I don't want that. There has to be more than just doing what's expected of me.
I've never liked to do anything that's expected of me. I think getting drunk on your 21st birthday is stupid, that traditional weddings are boring, that spending an hour in front of the mirror in the morning is a ridiculous waste of time. But from all directions I get the sense that I'm wrong for thinking this way. From my family, from my co-workers, even from some of my friends. None of them are doing it on purpose, but it still comes across to me that I should just shut up and conform. And that's nothing new. Everyone feels that way from time to time in a society like ours. I think maybe it's been bothering me so much lately because I don't know what I want to do.
I think it's also kind of strange that I grew up with people who thought like me. All my closest friends in high school held similar views, which I guess is why we gravitated toward one another. They all want something more than just a traditional life. Like me, they all wanted to escape the clutches of our small culture-less town to live a life of their own, without doing what is expected that everyone from Waldorf do -- marry someone right out of high school, or just after attending the community college, have children, and then live there for the rest of your life, where you own kids will end up doing more of the same. Maybe it's that mentality that we grew up around that forced us to want to take the opposite road. But the strange part is that now that I've come to college I've found less and less people who hold similar views. More and more of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged or talking about marriage and starting a family. It was kind of a wake up call, I guess, to suddenly be surrounded by these kinds of discussions. Is this what I'm supposed to want?
For as progressive as we're supposed to be in this day and age, I still feel like an outcast for not wanting what's considered normal. My mother practically begs me to wear more makeup, my friends assure me that one day I'll want children, one of the women I work with tells me I'll understand what it's like to want to get married so young when I meet the right person. It's not that wanting to get married or have children is bad, or wrong in any way, I'm just not sure it's for me. I could see myself getting married one day, maybe. But if it's something I decide I don't want, why should I be made to feel like less of a person?
I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over, but it just keeps swirling around in my head over and over, and so I keep writing it over and over.
And, even through all my protests, there's a small part of me that is terrified of waking up a 45-year-old woman, alone, with no one left to love me.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm doing things wrong. That my life and what I'm making of it is wrong in some way. I've never really wanted for myself the kinds of things other people want. I don't like the idea that I may have a "normal" life. And lately I've been made to feel like I'm in some way wrong to not want the things that I'm supposed to want. I don't necessarily want to get married or have children. I don't want to spend the rest of my life supporting a family. I want more from my life than that. I can't see myself being happy in that setting, ever. I can only see it as stifling, being tied down to people who depend on me for everything. It frightens me, yes, to give up my individuality for the sake of a husband and children.
That's a bit dramatic, I wouldn't have to give up my entire existence for a family, but I would have to make sacrifices that I'm not sure I'll be willing to make. I can see myself resenting the people who are supposed to make me happy because I had to give up what I wanted from life.
Other women can make the choice to have a family, and that's fine. But I don't think it's for me. I don't want that. There has to be more than just doing what's expected of me.
I've never liked to do anything that's expected of me. I think getting drunk on your 21st birthday is stupid, that traditional weddings are boring, that spending an hour in front of the mirror in the morning is a ridiculous waste of time. But from all directions I get the sense that I'm wrong for thinking this way. From my family, from my co-workers, even from some of my friends. None of them are doing it on purpose, but it still comes across to me that I should just shut up and conform. And that's nothing new. Everyone feels that way from time to time in a society like ours. I think maybe it's been bothering me so much lately because I don't know what I want to do.
I think it's also kind of strange that I grew up with people who thought like me. All my closest friends in high school held similar views, which I guess is why we gravitated toward one another. They all want something more than just a traditional life. Like me, they all wanted to escape the clutches of our small culture-less town to live a life of their own, without doing what is expected that everyone from Waldorf do -- marry someone right out of high school, or just after attending the community college, have children, and then live there for the rest of your life, where you own kids will end up doing more of the same. Maybe it's that mentality that we grew up around that forced us to want to take the opposite road. But the strange part is that now that I've come to college I've found less and less people who hold similar views. More and more of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged or talking about marriage and starting a family. It was kind of a wake up call, I guess, to suddenly be surrounded by these kinds of discussions. Is this what I'm supposed to want?
For as progressive as we're supposed to be in this day and age, I still feel like an outcast for not wanting what's considered normal. My mother practically begs me to wear more makeup, my friends assure me that one day I'll want children, one of the women I work with tells me I'll understand what it's like to want to get married so young when I meet the right person. It's not that wanting to get married or have children is bad, or wrong in any way, I'm just not sure it's for me. I could see myself getting married one day, maybe. But if it's something I decide I don't want, why should I be made to feel like less of a person?
I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over, but it just keeps swirling around in my head over and over, and so I keep writing it over and over.
And, even through all my protests, there's a small part of me that is terrified of waking up a 45-year-old woman, alone, with no one left to love me.