![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evergleamI've been thinking a lot. There are some things I need to get out, and I'm going to try and be honest with myself for a minute.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm doing things wrong. That my life and what I'm making of it is wrong in some way. I've never really wanted for myself the kinds of things other people want. I don't like the idea that I may have a "normal" life. And lately I've been made to feel like I'm in some way wrong to not want the things that I'm supposed to want. I don't necessarily want to get married or have children. I don't want to spend the rest of my life supporting a family. I want more from my life than that. I can't see myself being happy in that setting, ever. I can only see it as stifling, being tied down to people who depend on me for everything. It frightens me, yes, to give up my individuality for the sake of a husband and children.
That's a bit dramatic, I wouldn't have to give up my entire existence for a family, but I would have to make sacrifices that I'm not sure I'll be willing to make. I can see myself resenting the people who are supposed to make me happy because I had to give up what I wanted from life.
Other women can make the choice to have a family, and that's fine. But I don't think it's for me. I don't want that. There has to be more than just doing what's expected of me.
I've never liked to do anything that's expected of me. I think getting drunk on your 21st birthday is stupid, that traditional weddings are boring, that spending an hour in front of the mirror in the morning is a ridiculous waste of time. But from all directions I get the sense that I'm wrong for thinking this way. From my family, from my co-workers, even from some of my friends. None of them are doing it on purpose, but it still comes across to me that I should just shut up and conform. And that's nothing new. Everyone feels that way from time to time in a society like ours. I think maybe it's been bothering me so much lately because I don't know what I want to do.
I think it's also kind of strange that I grew up with people who thought like me. All my closest friends in high school held similar views, which I guess is why we gravitated toward one another. They all want something more than just a traditional life. Like me, they all wanted to escape the clutches of our small culture-less town to live a life of their own, without doing what is expected that everyone from Waldorf do -- marry someone right out of high school, or just after attending the community college, have children, and then live there for the rest of your life, where you own kids will end up doing more of the same. Maybe it's that mentality that we grew up around that forced us to want to take the opposite road. But the strange part is that now that I've come to college I've found less and less people who hold similar views. More and more of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged or talking about marriage and starting a family. It was kind of a wake up call, I guess, to suddenly be surrounded by these kinds of discussions. Is this what I'm supposed to want?
For as progressive as we're supposed to be in this day and age, I still feel like an outcast for not wanting what's considered normal. My mother practically begs me to wear more makeup, my friends assure me that one day I'll want children, one of the women I work with tells me I'll understand what it's like to want to get married so young when I meet the right person. It's not that wanting to get married or have children is bad, or wrong in any way, I'm just not sure it's for me. I could see myself getting married one day, maybe. But if it's something I decide I don't want, why should I be made to feel like less of a person?
I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over, but it just keeps swirling around in my head over and over, and so I keep writing it over and over.
And, even through all my protests, there's a small part of me that is terrified of waking up a 45-year-old woman, alone, with no one left to love me.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm doing things wrong. That my life and what I'm making of it is wrong in some way. I've never really wanted for myself the kinds of things other people want. I don't like the idea that I may have a "normal" life. And lately I've been made to feel like I'm in some way wrong to not want the things that I'm supposed to want. I don't necessarily want to get married or have children. I don't want to spend the rest of my life supporting a family. I want more from my life than that. I can't see myself being happy in that setting, ever. I can only see it as stifling, being tied down to people who depend on me for everything. It frightens me, yes, to give up my individuality for the sake of a husband and children.
That's a bit dramatic, I wouldn't have to give up my entire existence for a family, but I would have to make sacrifices that I'm not sure I'll be willing to make. I can see myself resenting the people who are supposed to make me happy because I had to give up what I wanted from life.
Other women can make the choice to have a family, and that's fine. But I don't think it's for me. I don't want that. There has to be more than just doing what's expected of me.
I've never liked to do anything that's expected of me. I think getting drunk on your 21st birthday is stupid, that traditional weddings are boring, that spending an hour in front of the mirror in the morning is a ridiculous waste of time. But from all directions I get the sense that I'm wrong for thinking this way. From my family, from my co-workers, even from some of my friends. None of them are doing it on purpose, but it still comes across to me that I should just shut up and conform. And that's nothing new. Everyone feels that way from time to time in a society like ours. I think maybe it's been bothering me so much lately because I don't know what I want to do.
I think it's also kind of strange that I grew up with people who thought like me. All my closest friends in high school held similar views, which I guess is why we gravitated toward one another. They all want something more than just a traditional life. Like me, they all wanted to escape the clutches of our small culture-less town to live a life of their own, without doing what is expected that everyone from Waldorf do -- marry someone right out of high school, or just after attending the community college, have children, and then live there for the rest of your life, where you own kids will end up doing more of the same. Maybe it's that mentality that we grew up around that forced us to want to take the opposite road. But the strange part is that now that I've come to college I've found less and less people who hold similar views. More and more of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged or talking about marriage and starting a family. It was kind of a wake up call, I guess, to suddenly be surrounded by these kinds of discussions. Is this what I'm supposed to want?
For as progressive as we're supposed to be in this day and age, I still feel like an outcast for not wanting what's considered normal. My mother practically begs me to wear more makeup, my friends assure me that one day I'll want children, one of the women I work with tells me I'll understand what it's like to want to get married so young when I meet the right person. It's not that wanting to get married or have children is bad, or wrong in any way, I'm just not sure it's for me. I could see myself getting married one day, maybe. But if it's something I decide I don't want, why should I be made to feel like less of a person?
I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over, but it just keeps swirling around in my head over and over, and so I keep writing it over and over.
And, even through all my protests, there's a small part of me that is terrified of waking up a 45-year-old woman, alone, with no one left to love me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
YES!!!!
Date: 2004-07-20 07:07 pm (UTC)Seriously. Very much so. Right there with you.
So many friends getting married, and they keep asking about the ring I wear. Can't seem to escape weddings and babies and pregnant women. The phrase 'when you have yours' haunts me to no end...
Stuck in internship wiht 38 people with serious long term relationships, all talking about marriage and kids.
We're all on track for international careers, but there's this implication that most of us will get married and settle down instead. Not from other people, but from within the intern group. It's scary.
Also, I don't know how to dress differently for different seasons, and sometimes I think I need to learn. Ditto blowdrying my hair. But I don't care and it shouldn't matter. (only one color worth wearing anyway :p )
And yes, I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to move all over the world and do whatever I want *and* be loved and somehow have community.
What I mean is: I miss you. Lots.
Despite the scary normal people out there, there's still a contingent of us, and we'll stick together somehow.
Re: YES!!!!
Date: 2004-07-20 10:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 07:34 pm (UTC)I am however guilty of the being engaged bit. Before I met my fiance I didn't care so much about marriage. It's really something that I just sort of fell into because it felt right I guess. I wasn't actively seeking it, but I wasn't going to throw it away. Children, however, are not something I see myself having. I know this can change (everything does) and if I were ever to have children it would be very very far in the future. I don't want to sacrifice things I want for a family. I want to travel, I want to have fun. I don't think marriage will hinder this (my fiance is pretty much of the same mindset) but children sure will. Maybe later on I'll feel like I want kids, but I guess that's left to see.
I know we don't know each other terribly well but I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not alone. I get the same sort of people telling me to conform (mostly family) and I try to drone it out as best I can, but when it comes from so many directions it's likely to make your head spin.
Personally I think the most important thing in the world is being happy. Do whatever it is that makes you smile. And I think there will always be someone left to love you because, from what I know of you, you are a truly amazing, unique and wonderful person.
(Apologies in advance for spelling and/or grammar mistakes, as well as anything lacking in the making-sense department. I'll blame it on lack of sleep.)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 10:18 pm (UTC)And I honestly could see myself getting engaged one day, I'm just reasonably sure I'll never have children, for a lot of the reasons that you said, plus I don't know if I could handle the responsibility.
And the other thing is that I do have things that would be considered "girly." The amount of scented lotions and oils and candles I own is absurd, considering I don't use half of it. I have a blowdryer and lots of shoes and even some makeup, but sometimes I feel like if I make a big deal out of my appearance one day because I want to be "pretty," then everyone else makes a big deal out of it, and that makes me uncomfortable. It shouldn't be a thing if I decide to change my appearance every now and then. It always just ends up making me want to forget I ever made the effort.
Kind of rambly, I hope that made sense. And thank you for your kind words. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 02:04 pm (UTC)no marriage, no kids. well, no babies, at any rate. i can't stand babies. the only thing on that level that i think i could manage and even, perhaps, someday, want...would be adopting a 6 or 7 year old kid. but i don't ever want to get married. i coudl see agreeing to spend a long period of my life iwth someone, especially if there was a kid involved, but i just don't think it's natural for humans to mate for life. it doesn't make any sense to me. we live too long for that and have too many changing factors in our lives.
and, like you, i have tons of candles, lotions, some makeup, perfume, whatnot...but i rarely ever wear it and i get the same uncomfortable feeling that you do when i do. people seem like they're taking pity on me like, oh look how she's trying to be a real girl, how cute! bleh. but sometimes i honestly do love to get all dressed up. i wish other people didn't have to ruin it by getting all excited about it because it just reminds me of how not-normal i usually am.
anyway, there seem to be a lot of us just like you on your friends list :) i don't think we really have anything to worry about. let those other girls buy 10 thousand pairs of shoes...stick to what feels right and comfortable for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 01:27 pm (UTC)Exactly. My mother especially gets real excited when I dress up, like she thinks I'll never meet another guy or get anymore friends if I don't start paying more attention to my appearance all the time. :P
I'm really glad I posted this. It's awesome to know that even on LJ I've gravitated toward people who tend to think similarly to me. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 04:32 pm (UTC)It's kind of funny because today one of my coworkers was talking to me and I mentioned how I'm really not interested in having kids. She seemed floored by the idea, as if I had said something so utterly unbelievable she just didn't know what to make of it. It was all very amusing to me, as if it had never occurred to her that not having kids was an actual option.
I think this was even more rambly, and probably made no sense. I seem to get rambly after work. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 01:32 pm (UTC)I definitely often get exactly that: "Why don't you dress like that every day, Heather?" :P I think it's also caused me to want to "rebel" even more, I feel like if I start dressing differently or whatever it is, it'll be like some kind of personal triumph for everyone who says I need to be different, like look what I've finally done for her. :P
BTW, those are some awesome Spider-man icons you have there. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 02:15 pm (UTC)SQUEE! Thank you so much! I've been abusing them, cause I made a tiny set of them and I actually sort of liked most of them. Icon lurve from you makes me happy, cause you make such purty icons!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 08:29 pm (UTC)?
Date: 2004-07-20 08:01 pm (UTC)cordially,
the agents of UPS corporation in Ohio =P
shoulda gone into the sciences, fewer of the normals in there. we are all way too screwy. today, the gay lab manager was in a meeting with 5 scary german sales reps from a company called Amaxa because we wanted to return a $11,000 machine they already got their commission on. one of the guys called over the intercom that if they put on the darth vader mask we have in lab and walk 5 blocks to the ghetto marketplace and get the lab subs, we would keep the machine and buy kits from them for life.
there wasnt really a point to that, just an anecdote i thought might be amusing.
Re: ?
Date: 2004-07-20 10:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 09:03 pm (UTC)does that make sense? lol
and i don't do the whole hour in the mirror thing, i don't particularily want to be chained to a family either..... a lot of people are like that.
just keep doing what YOU think is right, and make yourself happy, because that's all you really can do. just enjoy things now, because no matter how hard you try to plan, the only thing you can be sure of is right now anyway.
i hope you're feeling a little better :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 10:21 pm (UTC)But you're right. Focusing on what I need for me is really the only thing I can do at this point. It's just hard to remember sometimes.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 11:35 am (UTC)Any of your soon-to-be-married friends need a wedding video produced?
-B
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 01:08 pm (UTC)I hope you're being sarcastic.
Also, who is this?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 09:20 am (UTC)This is Bobak by the way.
About the 21st bday thing...I spent mine moving out of my apartment til 3am as the keys were due in by 9am! I figure, you have the rest of your life to drink/get drunk, there's nothing necessary or special about doing it on that particular day. I have cheap friends too and I'd rather spend my money on something better than 21 shots or whatnot...that stuff adds up!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 11:25 am (UTC)I'll keep an ear out for you. ;)
And yeah, I didn't do anything but go out to dinner for my 21st birthday, I had A glass of wine I think. I just think it's more fun to actually remember a fun occasion, anyway. :P
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 09:48 pm (UTC)I guess just remember that you never have to do things expected of you. I remember my 21st birthday was on an airplane trip to Rome, and everyone who I told about that said "So you'll be drunk on the plane, right?" (gosh how imaginative...) So I had a Coke with dinner.
And ironically enough, I've learned that in not worrying about what other people think, you won't be alone. From reading your journal over the course of the past year, you don't strike me as someone who will have no one to love you in the years to come.
Anyways, hope none of that sounded condescending and take it easy :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 10:23 pm (UTC)Thanks. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 07:47 am (UTC)You're welcome
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 01:09 pm (UTC)Yeah. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 10:23 pm (UTC)At the rate he's going you'll have 1 in 3 chance of marrying him. See? It's not so bad ;-)
MOST of my friends list have babies, and if that's not enough, one of the few people I regularly hang out with is also up the duff. Not to mention not so subtle hints from my mother. There's so much pressure nowadays to have heaps of kids AND work full time etc etc. It's kinda insane.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-20 10:27 pm (UTC)It's weird, cause I'm just getting to the point where people I know are having children and it's starting to freak me out. No one my age is old enough for children!
And I've definitely gotten the "but you have to give me grandchildren" bit from my mother. That one's fun. :P
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 11:54 am (UTC)He wants me to move to Salisbury with him after I graduate and have children a couple years later. Its funny how my horomones are screaming let's reproduce! and my mind is telling me to get my tubes tied and tell him I'm sterile. He even brought up me staying home to raise them. haha, that's when the fantasy got really ugly and smacked me back into reality. There is nothing more I hate than having to stay in a house. Does he really want to be married to a depressed, fat, angry person?
It seems like he knows exactly what he wants to do with the rest of his life and I couldn't be further from it.
I want to get out and see the world and study things besides music. I can't see myself living in Salisbury the rest of my life as a music teacher and stay home mom. I feel like your life should be spent building towards something, not just existing. I'm graduating in a year... I hope to God that is not the peak of my education.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-22 01:35 pm (UTC)I definitely want to go places and see things and continue my education. I can't imagine having to give that up to start a family any time soon. It's scary being at this point in our lives where that's actually something we can be considering, though.
You're the best. I miss you lots!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-23 09:28 am (UTC)Scary...
Even at 22, I feel much too young, immature, inexperienced, selfish or whatnot to even think about possibly considering thinking about adding marriage to a list of things to possibly consider doing at some point in the distant future!
Not to even mention kids!