only memories, fading memories, blending into dull tableau...

Megan stopped by yesterday, on her way home from Vermont and New York. It feels like I always forget exactly what that girl means to me until I'm spending time with her again. She got here around 9pm and we talked non-stop until she left at about 1:30. I miss talking to her, about everything. Megan's the only person I know who gets it. She understands what I mean when I say things without me having to explain, and she knows why I think certain things and why I do other things and it always hurts to spend time with her again. Because it reminds me exactly how much I do need her, and how we'll never be able to be close like we were before.

Every time I do see her, I am convinced more and more that we will stay friends in the future. But the time between visits increases more and more. And when we're no longer in college and she goes off to do the great things she's destined to do, we'll see each other even less. I'm always jealous of Megan, at the same time that I'm so proud of everything she accomplishes. She used to motivate me, her drive for getting what she wanted however she could, for seeing something through, for going somewhere new and exotic no matter how far away or scary it might be. She always motivated me to try to achieve some of those things for myself. And it's sad, sad that don't or can't or won't do that for myself. I could do it. I could live in New York for the summer, or spend six weeks in Russia, or go to St. Lucia for my January term. But I don't.

I miss having someone that really knows me. We have this shared past, 10 years of friendship where we've been through everything, and I do mean everything, together. I hate that we haven't been able to share the last three years with each other, and we've both changed in ways that we don't fully understand. Because we weren't there. And even despite of that, after about half an hour, I feel like I know exactly who she is again. I hope it'll always be like that.

Maybe that's why my breakups with Greg never work, and why it kills me so much that this one might. That shared history, watching each other change and knowing where we came from. It's like severing the last ties I still have with that part of me. The part that was Heather and Megan, Heather and Greg, Heather in band or Heather in Calc class or Heather on the football field or in Bonnie's backyard or any of those other million memory-soaked places. I don't want that back at all, it's not that. I just don't want to forget it, and I don't want to be the only one I know who remembers it.

And in the same vein, I realized today just how close I am to turning the place I'm in now into memories. The next twelve months will fly by in a flash, and then it's over again. And I lose these people, too. Do I start over again after that? Do I find more new friends and then lose them, too?

Even as I want desperately to hold on, I'm allowing myself to change. I've worked hard on the internal stuff in the past few years, and I think emotionally and mentally I'm a different person and I like that. That's the part that's exactly how it's supposed to be. I got a haircut today. Maybe it's time to allow myself to change outwardly as well. A haircut I guess doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it is. For the girl who really really really misses her loooooong hair, it is. But it's something different, something that another version of me never would have done. It seems small and insignificant but it's not.

I've rambled incoherently and weaved in and out of my brain enough for one night. I'm definitely ready to collapse into bed right about now.

did i slip or stumble?

How do you deal when that familiar pang washes over you, and you really need to keep from showing any kind of emotion?

Me? I bite the inside of my lip until I can taste it. Hard. Sometimes my tongue.

Good things about tonight, though? Watched the South Park movie with Chris (which I was carded for when buying last night! Because I look like a 16-year-old. :P) while eating Ben & Jerry's. Also, I watched the random boys in my suite throw oranges at one another and fend each other off with foam rubber bats. Which is mostly funny because I know them.

It seems I will be taking the metro in tomorrow to meet up with my uncle and see Reagan's casket, possibly in the procession. Not sure how I feel about this, but he really wanted me to go for some reason. I think he's lonely, plus he was a history minor. Not so much with the Republican, though. So I'm doing that right after work. Oh joy, rush hour traffic. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE the beltway? Cause I do. It better not rain.

I want to go to sleep but I don't think I'm tired enough and I know I told my roommate it was okay if her fiancee stayed over but right about now I'm really wishing I hadn't and it's so hot in here and I wish I were alone so I could sleep without my pajamas on and whyohwhy do I have to be the only one in my suite with a roommate?

When am I gonna see that pretty face again?

Are my entries coming across as jumbled and incoherent as I think lately? Cause everything in my brain feels so fragmented, and I feel like I can't carry on a regular conversation lately and still make sense, let alone write things down about what I'm doing or thinking.

I'm liking this babysitting sidejob thing more and more, though. Little kids are cute when I can give them back at the end of the night. And, while he's a little boy who's rambunctious and way too hyper for me to keep up with, he's kinda cute. And blows me kisses when I'm leaving. :) And watches Veggie Tales with me. Oh yes. ;)

I should go to bed or at least turn off the lights or something. My roommate and her fiancee are weird. They just went to bed without saying anything, and left the bright overhead light on, and my music's still going and stuff. So now I feel like the ass. I really need to not have a roommate again soon.